Redefining the Middle-Age Crisis
By Jane Rosenblum LCSW CCM
Reframing the phrase, middle-age crisis, is important because it is a normal process of life to strive toward goals, improve ourselves and help others. The term, crisis, evokes a heightened alert which is not necessary when one approaches this stage. People go through various stages as they age and middle-age is just another stage. It is important to realize, not all people have conflicts at this stage.
As people enter this age it may be they never developed a healthy view of themselves, their innate skills and strengths and more importantly their self-discovery. Identifying what one wants, with a clear conscious choice, is difficult if that person is not sure of who they are and how they got to their current state. This issue has its roots in the persons’ childhood, if they were a victim, if they didn’t resolve past pain, and if they didn’t realize their worth. People need to learn how to identify what they want in life, what brings them joy and fulfillment in order to have a clear vision for themselves to move forward.
First Step: Eric Erickson’s stage of psychosocial development, noted that this stage, Generativity vs. Stagnation, occurs during middle adulthood, where one generally has established a career, are in a relationship, have a family, and feel connected to the home and community. By not doing any of these activities, one may become stagnant, feel and or be unproductive and disconnected to others and themselves.
People, between the ages of 45-60, may experience this time as stressful and may have a fluctuating sense of self. It is a time that evokes memories of childhood, changes occur in how one perceives themselves, there are more losses; parents and friends have died or moved away or stopped being friends, and children have left the nest as well as illnesses may be present and impacting one’s ability to function. This time period is also of introspection and reflection. One’s emotions are engaged in a conflict, between desire and need. As one ages, the sense of mortality becomes more real as we become more aware of people who die and are close to us in age. Many people at this stage want to find meaning and purpose for their lives.
We are all SPIES. We connect in the following ways. The level of importance as we judge each area is based on one’s perception and needs and wants.
S–Socially: We connect with others to not be alone, to enjoy other people’s company, to have fun and to laugh. Most people don’t want to be alone and need company.
P– Physically: We observe changes in our body’s ability to be active. We potentially have more illnesses, medications, limitations and tolerance. We realize we’re not 20 years old anymore.
I– Intellectually: We have a deep desire to discuss topics we find interesting, challenging, etc. We need to have our mind stimulated to feel alive.
E– Emotionally: We may have relationships that change, whether it’s through divorce, separation, or death.
S– Spiritually: We may find a reawakening or need to be connected with a religious association to feel connected and supported.
As SPIES we need to identify or take into account, where we are at this time in our journey, in life. We need to determine what is important for our current situation and needs and determine how to go about finding this awareness and then decide to take specific steps to resolve the concerns.
Second Step: As we re-evaluate where we are in life we must ask the following:
Is this where I want to be in all of the above areas?
1: Identify what you feel is missing, weak or you want and/or need to change or improve.
2: Re-assess your skills, knowledge about your strengths and weaknesses and determine if you are
satisfied with where you are in terms of job, avocation, hobbies, relationship, living situation, etc.
3: Recall those dreams or goals that you pushed back or repressed because other more important issues
came up at the time. What are your past and current goals or dreams? List and prioritize them on paper.
4: Determine what you want to do with those unrealized goals and dreams. Do you want to pursue them further? Is it achievable financially?
5: Do you have the time to devote to this goal? Do you have support to help you focus on learning or doing something different? Is it no longer an option because you don’t have the physical stamina, or, is illness getting in the way at this time? Or is it no longer an interest of yours to pursue?
6: Once you have decided on what to do make a plan and set an agenda on how to achieve the goals.
Third Step: Now you have to figure out what to do with these present day realizations. It is important to not rush through and make a decision. Options need to be identified, giving yourself time for thoughtful reflection and problem-solving as necessary, so don’t jump into a situation when you aren’t prepared for all possible scenarios.
People in this stage grapple with fluctuating thoughts and fears. Common thoughts might include the following: Am I ready to end this relationship? Am I ready to end this job? Am I fully prepared to start a new career path? What might I be giving up? What might I gain? How long will it take to achieve my goal? Based on one’s level of self-awareness determines how people will adapt as they come to understand a
bit more about their own purpose in life. This time period, varies per person, and may require outside support via therapy, vocational guidance, and in-depth discussions with others.
As a therapist and as you assist people navigate this stage one must be have a heightened awareness to focus on the client’s perspective and perception of themselves (whether realistic or not), what their wishes, needs, ability, skills, and goals are at this time. Understanding the client’s thought processes, ability to regulate their emotions, stability in their home life and environment, and common sense is essential in assisting someone process this time-period in their life.
It is also important to critically evaluate the client’s support systems, stressors, precipitating issues, unresolved grief, anger, losses, regrets, etc. Additionally evaluating and scaling the levels of dissatisfaction, via the outline in SPIES, is key, to help frame the problem and guide toward a solution.
Therefore, mid-life is not a crisis, but a period of time, that people use to look back to where they came from, where they are currently and what they want to accomplish for the next ten years of their life. Many people in this age bracket look forward to giving to others with purpose and intention. People in mid-life are entering a new stage in life’s journey.
Each step of the journey is different and challenging.
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Can the Common Core Standards Alter the Rate of Child Development?
2015 by Jane Rosenblum LCSW CCM
There is a growing schism between the Common Core’s emphasis on cognitive or intellectual development and growth versus the social-emotional developmental needs; despite the fact that ISBE has outlined social-emotional benchmarks and goals to be addressed in schools. In 2010 Illinois adopted new standards for education highlighting the need to expand student’s knowledge and skills in order to go on to a college education and be an active contributing member of the workforce. In 2013-2014 these standards were adopted by all schools in Illinois. This team of people, funded by the Bill Gates Foundation, who are not teachers, developed these specific learning standards or common core, as a result of past research and comparison between US and European workforce skills and employment. The results of the study found that US students lagged behind in education, college attendance and not being involved in the workforce; the solution was to develop and integrate a new curriculum, although the state reports, “they are a set of shared goals and expectations for what knowledge and skills will help our students succeed”; additionally the benchmarks and goals must be completed and tested yearly. The Common Core material was not written by teachers, it is not research based or a model that has been tested and tried in any school.
The social-emotional standards from the Illinois State Board of Education web site states: “These standards have been developed in accordance with Section 15(a) of Public Act 93-0495. This Act calls upon the Illinois State Board of Education to develop and implement a plan to incorporate social and emotional development standards as part of the Illinois Learning Standards. Goal 1: Develop self-awareness and self-management skills to achieve school and life success. Goal 2 – Use social-awareness and interpersonal skills to establish and maintain positive relationships. Goal 3 – Demonstrate decision-making skills and responsible behaviors in personal, school, and community context.” The social-emotional goals are very important to child development; yet there is little time for teachers to address them adequately and appropriately given the weight pushed by the administration to focus on Common Core standards. School districts are evaluated based on test scores of their students with the expectation of improving the scores. The result of improved test scores can be seen in how the school is rated, what funding they receive and what supports can be provided.
The social-emotional standards are recognized by the state as mandatory for child development. School personnel are concerned about not having time to attend and teach these concepts to their students. Teachers are worried about the negative outcomes off not being able to address this issue because they are mandated by their district to teach the core subject areas to improve test scores. Teachers have reported to me they (as well as the students) are more stressed and anxious since the release of the Common Core standards. Teachers are reporting they are having difficulty ensuring each student’s learning styles are met appropriately even when they attempt to differentiate instruction. The demand is to immerse children in the information ignoring their developmental needs. Teachers from a low-income school district with limited funds and resources have stated to this writer that they were informed they can’t slow down to help a student understand the material but to keep going to meet goals and benchmarks or in other words, don’t go back to re-teach the material. They are instructed by their principals to lecture and review all specific material within a specific time period. Teachers are spending their time telling their students to not only memorize information but learn and practice higher level language art skills and math concepts to improve their test scores. They have been told to inform students they will likely fail the tests especially in the first few years of this implementation. Overall, teachers, social workers and other staff are concerned about how the student’s social-emotional needs aren’t being met appropriately as well as having little time to spend on educating the parents.
When a child’s social emotional needs are ignored, children and adolescents may exhibit the following behaviors: intensified bullying (including cyber-bullying), anger and aggression, acting-out behaviors as well as emotional disorders like anxiety and depression. These negative side-effects may eventually lead to inappropriate labeling and diagnosing and treatment for a behavioral health disorder with the potential for receiving special education services, medication and therapy. Is the Common Core implementation pushing teachers, parents and children over the edge? Is ignoring the social-emotional needs of children appropriate or is it seen as an injustice to the students?
Parents are struggling to understand the new and different modes of teaching. I have had many parents state to me, whether they have a secondary education or not, that they don’t understand the new techniques, feel lost, confused and ineffective as parents in providing support to their child. They are angry, frustrated, concerned and feel as if they have been cut out of the loop. They may or may not have their own resources to educate themselves on the common core standards, they may or may not understand the information and they may or may not ask for help or direction from teachers. How can parents assist their child learn if they don’t understand the topics being taught in a thoroughly different manner? What if the school district they live in doesn’t provide educational workshops to teach parents what concepts and techniques are being taught for each grade level? What can the parent receive in order to assist them with their child? Parents are feeling stressed and anxious and angry when they don’t have their questions answered. Parents may or may not recognize that the common core is ignoring the basic social-emotional needs of their child.
There is no known research to indicate that children, although their brains are like a sponge, can accommodate this new method of teaching which is focused on intellectual and cognitive skills without potentially damaging their psyche. Children have specific developmental needs that must be addressed to help them mature into a functioning adult. Theorists who have focused on the necessary developmental stages of growth for children and adolescents are well recognized and acknowledged; such as Piaget, Kohlberg, Erickson, Mahler and Maslow. The social-emotional and behavioral skills children and adolescents must learn and engage in has been extensively studied. There is acknowledgment that a child’s ability to perceive social cues, context, language and expression are learned over time via various experiences. Children learn to interpret people’s behaviors, develop a basic understanding of cause and effect and learn unspoken social rules in order to start to regulate their own emotional and social responses to interact and cope appropriately with others. Children and adolescents are continually evolving in their ability to accurately perceive social and emotional issues and they are learning to engage their ability to synthesize what’s acceptable behavior or not. Methods that assist children learn is via play, role-modeling and discussions to ensure they have learned appropriate social behavior. Children and adolescents need to learn how to negotiate their social world in order to learn how to interact appropriately with others. In order for children and adolescents to be successful in the work world they need to understand social cues, behaviors, language and exhibit self-control of those emotions and behaviors to succeed as well as develop their executive skills functions. Children must learn how to socialize and communicate, without technology, with their peers and adults toward the development of their self-worth, self-identity and self-esteem. There have been many studies about students who are intellectually bright being pushed forward in school to another grade yet their emotional and social issues lag behind. They can’t catch up because they don’t have mature social-emotional skill sets as well as abstract reasoning skills. They don’t fit in with their new peer group due to this insurmountable problem. How can the state ignore these basic needs of the student’s?
There has to be a balance between teaching the Common Core and addressing the social-emotional developmental needs of children and adolescents. Any individual whose basic social, emotional and behavioral needs are not met will not be able to function adequately in the workforce, much less in the world. The continuing need to teach moral and ethical reasoning is important to the development of character. While the Common Core is an improvement on past teaching requirements, not paying attention to the students’ needs, the whole child, will lead to further lapses in functioning. This student will then fail to live up to the expectation that they can interact with others appropriately and excel. The stress of the academic setting without acknowledgement and intervention around the basic social and emotional needs of children will lead to more pathology, impaired functioning and less impact on the workplace. One can NOT take a child, teach them academic skills and ignore their developmental needs without negative consequences. We can NOT lose sight of the foundation of human behavior; social and emotional functioning.
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Divorce: A Struggle of Ups and Downs
When people marry, they don’t think, ‘I will be divorced in a few years’, they are happy and excited. The rise in divorce, is synonymous with many changes- increased salaries for women, nomadic life-style, and greater acceptance, the stigma has lost its impact. Per the CDC: Number of marriages: 2,118,000, Marriage rate: 6.8 per 1,000 total population, divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (44 reporting States and D.C.) Source: National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends (data shown are provisional 2011)
From conception to action to completion, the stages of divorce, may be considered a roller-coaster ride. This divorce process, is typically fraught with tension, uncertainty, fears, relief, tears, and sadness. It is not easy to accept the need to divorce, whether it is wanted or not, and to go through with the decision. The underlying issues and concerns are the same. Divorce is part of a process of change that varies in length and degree of intensity. People may state, ‘It has taken me years to get my divorce’, ‘My divorce was messy’, ‘I don’t know what to do anymore.’, ‘I am not happy.’ ‘I’m worried about how I will survive’, etc.
Regardless of where you are in your journey, many people experience a riot of feelings. It’s as if someone took a wrench, ripped open your heart, and you are bleeding.
The following is based on Prochaska and DiClemente’s (1984) Transtheoretical Model of Change: The basic premise is as follows. Most people are resistant to change, it takes motivation and effort, to understand what you need for your well-being, to decide to move forward.
Stages:
Pre-Contemplative: In this stage you may experience fleeting thoughts of divorce although there are is no intention to change the situation. You wonder about the changes on-going in your relationship, if you want to address the issues or not.
Contemplative: You are beginning to work through the steps you need to take for yourself. You are weighing the pros and cons of getting a divorce, considering marital therapy or individual counseling, thinking about the need to have a separation, whether it’s another room in the house, or elsewhare. You have started to think more seriously about the possibility that you might have to get a divorce. They may include: What will be best for me? What will be best for the children? You’re aware that a problem exists. You don’t make a commitment to act, either way.
Preparation: You are no longer resisting the need to get a divorce. Now, you made a firm decision, to divorce, and are intent upon taking action. You research the actual process of divorce, types of lawyers to consider, what mediation involves, you consider costs, steps to take to separate accounts, items in the home, etc. You are preparing yourself for the action.
Action: You have stated to your spouse, you intend to seek a divorce. You are now in differrent sleeping arrangements; whether its a separation of rooms or places of living. You have hired an attorney, and are finding out what you have to gather to complete the process.
Maintenance: You are firm in your decision to get a divorce. You are motivated to move forward. You need to do things to remind yourself why you are divorcing. Reviewing the reasons and causes helps to keep you on track.
Relapse: This occurs when you take a step back and you get scared, nervous, uncertain about your decision. This is normal and common. You rethink the entire decision.
When you are contemplating a divorce, in the process of divorcing an individual, or have signed the divorce papers, the following are important to keep into account.
- Emotions: These must be addressed thoroughly because they can get in the way. You will run the gamut of feelings, which ebb and flow, depending up on the stressors going on at the time. You must recognize that it’s normal. Your feelings will likely follow Kubler-Ross’s stages of death and dying, an important relationship has died.
- Children: How many do you have? What are the ages of the children? What are the divorce stipulations, who the child or children will live with, and how to handle holidays, weekends, etc. The older the child, one must take into account what their needs are and have them involved in the process. They may state who they want to live with or not.
- Finances: It is never going to be the same, whether you’re a bread earner or not. Alimony, cost of living, money for children under age, where you live, are important considerations.
- Socially: As a single person, where most people are in couples, you find out who your friends are, who can or can’t accept you, and who will spend time with you. Being alone and loneliness may be an issue.
- Supports: You will need someone to talk with professionally, as you struggle through this process and adjust. If you prefer, you can talk with your friends, however, there is only so much they can tolerate and help before they burn out or put up boundaries.
- Religiously: You may consider receiving help from your clergy, attending more services, etc.
- Exercise: This is important to help reduce stress, improve emotions and ease the worries.
Overall, divorce is a serious undertaking, with negative and positive consequences, for yourself and your children. Your way of living may change dramatically. How you balance your needs, and your children’s needs, will vary, dependent upon your support system, emotional state. It will take time to feel you have adjusted to the divorce. Taking a thorough accounting of, your needs, wishes, dreams, and goals, are very important to do, throughout the process. Reach out for support during this upheaval in your life. There are many web-sites, counseling centers, and sources of support, that you will be able to access.
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